Guide to Niche Medical Procedures

So you have a guy and he's got a problem and you don't want to deal with that problem but also it's a very weird niche problem? I've got you the solution! Probably. See below for a list of problems. Select whichever Q&A section seems most relevant to you.

Help! I got lobotomized and now I'm blind for life!

Permanent traumas are nigh-unfixable by most mundane methods. But brain traumas, being in the brain, are physically tied to the brain. We can use this to remove such traumas, though we will also remove any other positive or negative effects tied to the brain. Please note this method is likely to cause a lot of unforseen side effects including but not necessarily limited to: Loss of quirk effects, Ego death, Ability transferance wackiness. you will need, in addition to typical medical tools:

1. 1 Humonkey
2. 1 Empty AI core
3. 5 Reinforced Glass sheets
4. 1 Screwdriver
5. 1 Pair of wirecutters
6. 1 Crowbar
7. 1 Man-Machine Interface
8. 1 Intelicard

Steps are as follows:

1. Remove the Patient's brain and put it in the MMI.
2. Place the MMI into the empty AI core.
3. Finish the core with the glass.
4. Screwdriver the core.
5. Use the intelicard on the core.
6. Deconstruct the core back to empty.
7. Take the MMI out.
8. Remove the brain from the MMI.
9. Debrain the Humonkey.
10. Place the humonkey's brain into the MMI.
11. Place the MMI into the AI core.
12. Reconstruct the core.
13. Use the intelicard on the AI core.
14. Crowbar the AI core.
15. Wirecut the AI core.
16. Wirecut the AI core.
17. Crowbar the AI core.
18. Remove the MMI from the AI core.
19. Remove the brain from the MMI
20. Place the brain from the MMI into the patient's corpse.
21. Revive the patient's corpse.

Help! I got used as a Capri-Sun® by a dollar-store imitation of a John Carpenter monster!

Normal husks can be treated with synthflesh or rezadone. But Changeling husks are notably more difficult to fix. The health scanner reccomends a brain transplant into a new body, but this is typically overkill, and we can substitute a new body for the slightly dehydrated old one. This method works perfectly well on all husk sources, but burn husks can be easily repaired and so this is of little use in that case. Extra materials required are as follows:

1. 1u Nooartrium. Run it through the HPLC first, to ensure that it doesn't react with epi or atro in the blood.

Steps are as follows:

1. Reduce patient BURN, BRUTE, TOX, and OXY to 0.
2. Ensure that the patient has a functional set of vital organs. The Heart, Liver, and Brain are mandatory, the others can be fixed later, but it's easiest to fix now.
3. Ensure the patient has at least 1u of Formaldehyde in their blood to prevent any unwanted organ rot.
4. Place patient on stasis bed.
5. Inject syringe of 1 unit nooartrium into patient.
6. Remove patient from stasis bed.
7. Bring patient to defibrilator.
8. As soon as patient suddenly collapses, defibrilate patient to fix the inevitable heart attack. (Why does the revival cause a heart attack, you ask? It's because dying stops your heart from beating, and while nooartrium makes you not need a beating heart to stay conscious and stable, it doesn't RESTART your heart. Thereby, once the nooartrium runs out, your heart is still not beating and so you go into cardiac arrest as normal.)
9. Patient is now hopefully alive, conscious, stable, and a husk.

Help! I got within glowing distance of a funny green rock and now my eyes are orange, my flesh is purple, and my hair is three different shades of green!

This is typically a Unique Enzyme/Feature misconfiguration issue. Hair color and gradient can be fixed with the cheaply purchasable hair dye spray, and hair style can be fixed with a medical razor. Features such as lizard tails and cat ears are slightly harder to fix but flesh shaping shears, which genetics starts with and medical can print with research, can be used to fix those. Eye color, skin color, and mutant-color are more difficult, and will require UE/UF modification.
See attached guide here: Guide To UE Modification
Additional materials required:

1. 1 DNA scanner
2. 1 DNA scanner console
3. 1 Guide, provided above
4. 1 Hair Dye bottle, purchasable from the Good Clean Fun vendor
5. 1 Razor
6. 1 Flesh Reshaper

Procedure:

1. Fix head hair and facial hair with razor and hair dye spray.
2. Fix external physical features with flesh shaping shears.
3. Find the UE/UF Blocks, listed in the attached guide, corresponding to the bodily features at fault, such as mutant-color and eye color.
4. Modify those blocks as detailed in the guide such that they match their original values.

Help! I got shot with an enchanted Ancient-Egyptian matchlock pistol and now my blood is spontaneously transforming into magically cursed liquid gold!

This saddeningly common condition, known as Midas Blight, is often misconceived to be a lethal effect. Though it is extremely debilitating, it takes a truly unreasonable duration of Midas Blight to drain enough BLOOD to induce hypovolemia, and the effect does not last very long. Midas Blight victims should be given iron pills. Procedure:

1. Administer Iron pills and/or saline glucose.
2. Keep an eye on the patient's BLOOD volume.
3. Admire the shiny golden veins under their skin as they slowly transform into a living manifestation of Man's hubris.

Help! I got all this other healing done and was about to defibrilate a guy but he suddenly woke up and ripped my arms off!

This typically occurs because you are an idiot and attempted to defibrillate a shapeshifting mass of self-aware biochemical protoplasm while it was reviving itself perfectly well, thank you very much. I will provide both prevention and cure steps for this scenario.

Preventing this scenario

1. Use a health analyzer on dead bodies if you have one. If punching the body causes its OXY to reduce proportionally, it's not actually dead. If it is actually dead while reviving, this won't work.
2. Being affected by the Ligament Reinforcement bioware surgery will make you immune to the limb loss, though the stun, eye blur, and instant changeling revive will still go through.
3. Using revival methods other than Defibrilation on corpses, if you know there to be a changeling. You can't get Copper'd if you just don't use a defib.
4. Cable-cuff the patient to a bed or chair before defibrilating them, if you know there might be a changeling. This will not prevent arm loss, and, in fact, is unlikely to hold down the errant Carpenter copycat for long, but may give you the crucial few seconds needed to yell at someone nearby to grab the tri-acid syringes.

Rectifying this scenario

Unfortunately, your arms are gone. Sorry. Straight up qdel()'d. Assuming you were in the vicinity of the idiot who lost his arms, consider a combination of these strategies:

1. Set the patient on fire, as quickly and with as much fuel as possible.
2. Inject patient with high volume tri-acid mixes.
3. Subject patient to penth-atro syringe.
4. Drill patient with mining mech.
5. Gas operating room with BZ.
6. Alert security.
7. Lock and/or block all the doors. Even if you die, you're usually revivable. The shapeshifter getting away is much worse.
8. Use Devastation-range possessing explosives.
9. Honestly, just run away.
10. Hope to whichever deific figures you believe in that the TEMU-brand Thing is chill and leaves you alone.

Help! I got shot with some kind of funny blue juice and now I'm going on a wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing joyride throughout time and space and also my clothes keep teleporting when they touch my skin and it's really embarrassing!

This is an Eigenstasium overdose. Either wait for a few minutes and allow the erroneously connected timelines to resynchronize, which will effectively mulligan your character's Quirks, or take regular doses of stabilizing agent (best option), Bluespace dust (if you dont have a chem dispenser), or Eigenstasium (terrible option, do not use).

Help! I got turned into a species that wasn't my orignal!

This is gonna require some xenobiology. Materials required:

1. (If you were a human or lizard, and you turned into a species capable of metabolizing chemicals) Green slime extracts
2. (If you don't meet both of those conditions) Charged black crossbreed extracts

Procedure:

1. If you were a human or lizard and you can process chems, inject 5u of blood (for human) or 5u of radium (for lizard) into a green slime extract.
2. Inject the resultant fluid from the slime extract into yourself.
3. Wait.
4. If you weren't and/or can't:
5. Fill a charged black extract with plasma.
6. Use in hand.
7. Repeat until species is what you want.